It's my (not just) resolution

I am making an effort to eliminate the word ‘just’ from my sentences. It is my (not just) New Year’s resolution and so far it’s going OK.

I find myself about to use the word ‘just’ as a preface to my sentences but pull myself up (just) in time.

Many people make new year’s resolutions. They want to lose weight or get fit or stop smoking. I’ve never really had new year’s resolutions. However this one little word ‘just’ is yelling at me! Stop using me, it says. Don’t be afraid to be bold. Stand in your power.

Already I am seeing results. By reducing or even trying to eliminate the word ‘just’ from my sentences it is empowering me. No longer saying I am just making small art works. Take away the word ‘just’ and you get a new sentence: I am making small artworks.

Suddenly it is strong, a statement, an empowerment. No longer any need to just(ify) myself.

It’s very enlightening to see what words keep repeating. Just is probably one of them…In any ways it is a form of flying under the radar and I find women in particular do it all the time – don’t look at me, don’t take notice, I’m just doing ….whatever.

I grew up with my mother always apologising. Saying “oh it’s my fault., sorry. I should have swept the floor so you didn’t slip, or I should have not put out the good china because it got broken or or…

I considered this to be some sort of martyrdom. I tried to understand why she prefaced herself with constant apologies for things she thought were her fault. I realised it is a form of abnegation, which the dictionary defines as “ renunciation of your own interests in favour of the interests of others”. Or taken in another context, apologise first to lessen the repercussions.

I vowed I would not be a martyr, yet I have adopted some of her traits. Now I am becoming aware of NOT saying the word ‘just’.

For I very long time I used to say about my daily arts practice – oh, I’m just doing my collage, I just tear bits of paper up and stick them down. I realised that the underlying thinking behind this was – it’s not ‘proper art’ 

Don’t take any notice of me because I’m doing something really simple. And then to take that thinking further…I don’t have any great skills, why would you take me or my art seriously. So I didn’t apply to many exhibitions because I felt I was out of their league (whoever they are).

Now I’ve realised that it is a sure way to undervalue ourselves which in turn, holds back our thinking. Stops us from staking our claim. I do collage. I paint. I stitch. I sculpt. I write. I dance.

I remind myself how powerful these words are when undiluted by the word ‘just’. It’s a bit scary and bold. It means you can no longer fly under the radar. It means you are a ‘tall poppy’ sticking your head up. Scared that at some point people will will cut you down. But what if it didn’t matter. What if you stand proud.

So this is the year, this is the decade I am determined to be empowered. To listen to what I say about myself. To get rid of that just word and the thinking that goes with it.

I am bold. I have courage. I Dare to Create.